Hello,

My name is Jan and I’m from Belgium. I met my Korean wife,선화, while travelling in the Philippines in 1999. We got married in 2003 and we lived till September 2010 in Belgium. In 2007 our son Jun was born and in 2008 our daughter Sora was born. In September 2010 we moved to Seoul and we’re thinking of spending the rest of our life in Korea.

I’ve always had a very difficult relationship with my father. I see him as 90% rational thinking and 10% emotion. Principals like responsibility, respect, honesty, hard-working and loyalty were for him always much more important than love. My father could get very angry when things didn’t go the way he had planned it. I felt that he gave me no freedom to make my own decisions. It seemed to me that he planned my life and that I just followed him. I couldn’t feel any love for him, nor could I feel any love from him. Slowly I started closing me more and more for him and I only talked to him when necessary. But I did feel respect for him. I had a younger sister and my father always treated us equally, he was always honest and never had the intention to harm other people. But still I could feel no love for him…

I’m 41 years old now and when I look now at who I am, I don’t seem to differ so much from my father. In relationship with my wife and children it also seems that first some conditions like responsibility, respect and hard-working have to be fulfilled and then I could experience love. For me that was normal, because that was what I learned my whole life. There would always be anger, frustration and uncertainty in myself. I didn’t know how to ventilate this, so it stayed inside me and piled up, waiting to explode. I would then express my anger and frustration towards the people I love the most, my wife and children. And I felt so bad about this, because I didn’t want to hurt them, I wanted to love them. So I created a “bad I’, a bad image about myself. There were times that I felt depressed and that I didn’t want to see anybody. Since there were children I’ve lived with a lot of ups and downs. Every time I hurt the feelings of my children, deep inside myself I felt the pain and suffering from when I was a little boy. And I didn’t want my children to experience the same pain I always felt.

I’ve never really been into meditation and yoga. Probably I was a too much rational person. 선화 did some meditation in Thailand. She told me often that it also would be a good experience for me, but I didn’t think much about it. Two years ago I could see that something needed to be done, or otherwise our family could not survive this. I started consulting a psychologist and I felt better. I even briefly had a better relationship with my father, but after a while it went bad again. After moving to Korea I started consulting a psychiatrist, who used hypnosis techniques. He could make me go back to my childhood and experience the pain I then had. I felt better after that, but only for a short time. At that time 선화 started the meditation-yoga meetings with happytao. I could see that she felt very good there and she suggested me to go too. I went and I liked it. I liked the people and I felt relaxed there. But after a few visits I felt that these meetings could also not cure me and I felt unsure. 선화 did a meditation session in Kwangju and also recommended it to me. I hesitated but finally agreed.

I took the train from Seoul to Kwangju. The house I stayed in was basic compared to our apartment in Seoul, but the company was good : 한바다선생님, 지애님 and 포도 (a lovely dog). We spent there one week together. Our days were filled with meditation, yoga, some walking and tasting the delicious Kwangju food. I felt very comfortable there and I opened myself completely. Slowly I could connect to my inner being and later I was able to feel energy flowing from my forehead through my lungs to my stomach. I never thought I would be able to experience this. I could go deeper and deeper and deeper into myself. It felt amazingly good, but also a bit scary, because I didn’t know where it would end. The last couple of days 선화 came to visit me in Kwangju.

During the last meditation session we had a big confrontation. 선화 was looking in her life for unconditioned love. I expected her first to take responsibility and then I could give her love. It felt like a big rock in my stomach was blocking the river of love. I had a hard time then. I felt the pressure in my head getting too much and emotionally I broke down. I don’t remember everything what happened next. I stood up, shouted, ran to my room, slamming the door. I stood against the wall, crying and wanting to shout out loud, but I couldn’t produce any sound. My whole body was tense and I had problems breathing. 한바다선생님 and 지애님 were holding me and trying to calm me down. The pressure in my stomach became bigger and bigger until I seemed to explode. I could feel the rock of pain which I have carried since my childhood get out of my stomach. I calmed down and started to breath normal again. 한바다선생님 and 지애님 helped me to lay down on the floor. I can still see 한바다선생님sitting there and asking me “what do you feel now”? I said “the rock is gone and the river is flowing, filled with pure, unconditional love”. I know 한바다선생님 felt good then and I felt amazing. After all these years for the first time in my life I experienced absolute freedom. 선화 came into the room and sat next to me. I started laughing like a happy child, full of joy.

That afternoon I went to the sauna and I washed the dirt from the past of my skin. I felt like reborn. Reborn in Kwangju. In the evening we had a kind of reunion. There was 한바다선생님, 지애님, 선화님, 예인님, 원무님, 원화님, 포도 and me. We held hands and chanted om shanti… I felt that these people had given me the biggest present anybody could ever give me, my freedom. Thank you!!!

The next morning my wife and I drove back to Seoul. I felt light and bright, but also unsure, because I didn’t know how I would react to the outside world. Back in Seoul it felt great to see our children again. That evening I called my father and I told him about my experiences during my meditation session in Kwangju. I told him that I felt ready to make a new start and my father felt happy. Maybe it was the first time in our life that we both felt this happy connection. I don’t know what the future will bring and I’m sure there will still come some difficult moments, but there is again hope for our family and I think we can make it.

Thank you happytao!

연등 (Jan)